Guinevere's Sorrow
by Lylley
Summary: One Shot. Takes place at the end of "Lancelot du Lac" - Gwen is about to leave her home and thinks about what she has done.


_**Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And, the worst part is, there's no-one else to blame **_

Over and done. This is the end. My life is a complete mess from this day on and never to repair.

I sob in my hands, sitting on my bed in my house, which I am about to leave and the heart quakes in my chest, aching. Maybe every second it will stop to beat, but I don´t care, if it would. Nothing matters for me anymore. It doesn´t give a return, I destroyed all, that has been precious in my life. I will never forgive me for what I´ve done to Arthur. Never. What I´ve done to him _and _to me.

That I hurt Arthur so much... Arthur, through which I have learned, what it means to truly, deeply and irrevocably love someone. There was never something comparative in my life. I love Arthur and I will always love him.

But it is to late, I managed it to keep the luck from myself... there is no chance, to make good again, what I´ve done. Again, again and again the scene is repeating in my head, where Arthur and Lancelot fight against each other with their swords, Arthur´s indescribable rage and the disappointment you could see all over his face, with which he stared at me. The blank expression... that only seemed to ask one question: _why?__ Why have __you__ done this? _

And the truth is, that I simply don´t know... I really can´t explain, why I kissed Lancelot... why there were suddenly again an attraction, I felt for him. I do _not_ love him. Yet I put all at risk and now I pay the price for my stupidity... the life at Arthur´s side. In my mind that all plays back, an eternal, continuous loop of incomprehension and scorn for my own behaviour. Who am I? I don´t seem to know myself anymore.

_I thought we were happy..., _resound Arthur´s words in my head. Yes, we were happy, I was so happy to have Arthur, the certainty to be with him, my love for him, his love for me. It was perfect. And how delighted I was, as Arthur made the proposal. I wanted to be his wife, his queen... I wanted it so bad. And I still want it. Because I love him. Because I need him. Because after all these years of fear and difficulties I thought, we were finally there, where we never guessed we would ever be. But my dream has crashed and it´s all my fault. _Oh Guinevere..._, I think and don´t know where to go with my hurt, for which I alone am guilty_, you are so stupid, SO stupid..._

And it describes not enough how horrible I find myself.

Slowly I look up and stare into the nothing. I sink in self-pity and hate myself for it all the more. I wasn´t _me, _who got hurt... it was Arthur. But it hurts so much, to know, that I brought this misery to him. I can understand, why he doesn´t want to see me anymore. Why he sends me away... I misused his trust in me. And that was the worst, I could have done... and it is useless to wonder, why I´ve done it, because the fact is, I _have_ caused it all. And that I have to face the consequences.

I love Arthur with all my heart and I despise myself, that I didn´t pove to be worthy for him. Lancelot... when I search for a feeling for him now, all I can find is hollow emptiness. And nothing to compare with the feelings I had many years ago for him... as I didn´t know, how the future with Arthur would develop.

One thing is clear: there aren´t passionately feelings for him, this time is over. At least I always was convinced of that. But how can I explain then, that I was drawn to him again? Of course I was happy, to have him back again from death... we all were happy, shocked and confused. But that isn´t an explanation for the following. Though Lancelot was never indifferent to me, I knew and know were my place is. With Arthur. Always with him.

I can´t say where my sudden feelings for Lancelot came up. Feelings I can´t explain to myself, because they vanished again so sudden. In all these years Arthur has proven to be the right for me. He was there, when I needed him, he was always there. I waited years for the day to really be with him, I made my decision. I never had any doubt.

Why didn´t I stop me? Why weren´t I able to stop me, although I knew deep in my heart, that it was wrong and although I knew how much Arthur means to me? How could I do this one day before our marriage? I must have gone insane. My head is so full of questions, to which I don´t seem to find answers. And now I sit hier and cry bitterly over something, I can´t change back. I have not only betrayed Arthur, I betrayed my own heart. Because now where I have lost Arthur, my life hast also lost the sense. Still I must live along. With the guilt on my soul.

I wipe my eyes and raise my hand, on which still the ring glares... the ring Arthur gave to me. Desperately I clench a fist and put it on my chest, above my heart. I seems so difficult to breathe.

Outside dawn is breaking. I have to go. Before the other people awake. I couldn´t bear their glances, when I can´t even bear myself. Because of this one huge fault I made, for which it doesn´t give an apology. I will get, what I deserve... a life far away from all, that I love.


End file.
